Helpless am I..

This is a literal agony.

I’m here in a lecture. Nothing is going in. The lecturer is just going on and on and on and on.

I don’t even know why I am here. It’s just about numbers and values and stats, none of which I am very interested in. I am vexed, very vexed. I am torn between staying here and pursuing a different diploma. For those who don’t know, I currently am pursuing a diploma in Business Intelligence & Analytic.

No, it’s not a business degree. It is actually under a the IIT faculty. What irony, I often say that I have no interest in business, that it will be the last thing that I do. Yet I am here, doing a diploma linked to business. It is agony.

I don’t want to be here. The career path that this diploma will lead me to, it is not something that I want. I want something along the lines of expression of self. Writing or maybe photography even. But I can’t just wait it out. I don’t plan to go to university to pursue further education. I don’t know what people might say of that, I will touch on that next time.

But yeah, I really do not want to stay in this line. I feel like a fish out of water. If possible, I really want to transfer to the course, Visual Communication, under the design faculty. But it is too late. The most I can do is to wait it out until the end of this academic year and just transfer. Provided that they accept me. But they will have to look at my GPA for this year. Which will not be good. You know that feeling when you force yourself to excel at something you really don’t like. And my classmates are all doing well. Their GPA for now are like 3.67, 3.80 or so. You know that feel? That you have to do better than others at something you have no absolute interest in?

It was a mistake of mine. I digress, I failed to look further, I failed to look further than just these few months or years. It is a terrible choice. I am at a loss. What options do I have?

Ultimately, I don’t want to just work all the while. I want to be a pastor next time. I have to research more on what I can do. At the very least, I hope that I can just be a photographer.

See, he’s explaining some formula for Quantitative Analysis now. I don’t feel any inclination to listen. I don’t want to handle numbers for the remaining days of my life.

They say that if you take a job that you love, then you will never have to work for a single day of your life.

It just means that if your job is something that you love, is of your interest, then it will be easy for you.

I cannot imagine myself doing this. Maybe I could just stay the 3 years in this course, and do something else totally. Edward told me yesterday of someone who did engineering but after she graduated, she became a professional wedding photographer, without any design background. All she relied on was her portfolio. Maybe I should be more proactive in having things in my portfolio. Even though I do not have a proper camera, I believe that the camera in my phone should suffice.

I think I will talk to my careperson again. I cannot take it anymore. I don’t want to waste my time doing all this. Frustrations and frustrations and frustrations.

God, I pray that you will guide me.

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