Repertoire of thoughts.

Hi.

It’s currently 12:55 am the moment I’m typing this.

I should be sleeping, honestly. I have a paper in less than 9 hours time and I’m still being a sleepless person here.

I just want to take some time and thank God for the smallest things in my life. That He uses my gifts and talents to spread His Word to my friends. I really want to give thanks to the Lord for that. It is something worth rejoicing, another soul saved!

Right now, I’m currently in a semi-panic, semi-sleepless mode. I realised today that my IC is nowhere to be found. Not a good thing. Shall come back tomorrow after school and flip through my stuff. In case I really cannot find it, I guess it will be a trip to the police station and what not. This is so terrible and careless of me.

I managed to shrugged off some of the chains off of me. It is a great thing. I want to be free. I don’t want to be tied down and always affected by that one person whom I still love even when she don’t care about me. I don’t want to be stuck. But I don’t want to lose her either. I don’t think I can bear to see her be with someone else, to be together with another person, to be married to some other person, to have children and grow old with them. I can’t bring myself to. You just mean so much to me.

Hah, so much for shrugging off chains. Guess that the bonds are still as tight as ever.

Whatever, I will always miss you I guess.

Just hope that this mirror can still be fixed. I had fix it two times before and I hope that I can fix it again. To be as flawless as before..

1 Peter 4:16

Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

Thank you, Father. For everything. Placing and committing everything into Your hands always.

God bless.

Shards of a mirror.

Stormy weather here today. Despite the dampness, I don’t feel dampened at all, surprisingly.

I love rainy weathers, to be honest. While others might love rainy weathers because its great for sleeping, I love rainy days because somehow, I seem to be always cheerful on rainy days.

I was reminded today of many small things. And something that had a bigger impact on me was the fact that no matter what happens, some things still longer on.

I don’t mean anything spectral but rather I’m talking about emotions.

For countless times, emotions have been seem as an attribute of the weak, being soft hearted.

Emotions linger on, almost forever, I realised, regardless of the time elapsed and the events that occur in between.

Now, truth be told, it is something that can consume or destroy a person.

To be consumed by its entirety means to be on the brink of self-destruction. To be broken hearted means to have your will stripped away most of the time. And inadequacy of willpower isn’t exactly healthy.

But it can be a positive spurring as well. The will to fight for something. The engine, the drive, the push towards something.

And many times I have been absorbed by it. Honest. I still remember that time, the day after the breakup with Trina, we had to prepare for some exhibition for my CCA. That entire day I felt listless, without purpose, drifting to wherever the winds may blow me.

What good does it does anyone? It doesn’t. Just waiting your own time to allow yourself to be devoured by those kind of negative experiences.

Its been almost two years since then. Perhaps I know more now than I do. And really, sometimes the solution to a problem doesn’t exist anywhere but inside of you. The key to the door was in our possession all along. But who was too blind to reach for it?

The mirror can break, but I know that its not enough to break ourselves.

God bless.

Loss?

What do you associate loss with?

Is it the losing of something physical? Your belongings? Hand phones or wallets or keys?

Or something more than that? A person? A friend, a family member or a lover? Would losses like these be very terrible? Anymore losses that are worse?

Yes. To lose the love of God is more than anything and everything. But don’t worry. Nothing can ever pluck us from His hand.

This line, I will do well to remember.

And, I’m pretty sure, others as well.

 

Sleepless.

Greetings.

I feel so crazy now. I still can’t forget you. I miss you so much, the feeling seem to have intensified a lot more. Not good, Tona. Not good.

There’s an event happening next Friday at church! Running man event! Am fairly excited about it, though I feel as if that there is still something that we lack in terms of planning. Something feels missing!

Next Friday 31 August! Do be in church by 7:30pm, we do recommend you to meet up as a cell group and come together! Will be great cus everyone can have dinner and no one will be late, see?

Will post more tomorrow. I really miss you, too much. It caused me to stop functioning properly.

I realised that the lack of attention span nowadays was caused by you. Because I just ended up thinking about you, even if I tried to stop myself.

So yup.

Now and always.

God bless.

Hallowed.

Hello!

I haven’t been posting as much as I used to. Because I always post while I’m on the bus and nowadays I’m so tired I sleep on the bus instead of posting, hah.

So how did God bless you in your life so far? I digress I thought I wouldn’t survive this week, with all the things on going and the stabbing pain of finishing things with you.

I realised that somethings drag on for forever, we never know if it is good or not. It might he harming us more than we thought iit would, but we are clinging too hard to realise it.

I am someone who is very paranoid of losing people, someone who is rather clingy at tines if i may. I don’t like people leaving me. It might be my low self esteem when it comes to relationships.

I’ve lost people who meant a lot to me since young. And that taught me to treasure the moments I have with people.

That reminds me.

I still think of you more than I should. I wasn’t kidding when i said that I couldn’t forget you easily, if at all. Its not easy for me to put others down. Trina was one thing. But you..

You’re someone who meant more to me than she did. I really really really cherish what we had. Call me naive if you will, but I feel that you’re the one. I feel that things won’t just stop here.. I feel that there’s still many pages of us left in the book. I just feel it.

I miss us so much.. I miss you even more.

Passive Emotions.

If i was ever confused, I know now I no longer am.

To you my love is true. Truth is, I had never been able to put you down. You just mean so much to me.

I didn’t like yesterday. I was really looking forward to meeting you today. And now we can’t, possibly never now, never forever.

I will miss you, as always. But I know its time to let go, completely. You’re happy the way it is. I probably had never appeared in your thoughts at all, while I think of you every day. I’m sorry I said that I’m over you, when i already know I’m not. When i already know I never can.

Thank you, for being there all the time..

Me. I’ll just try my best to forget you then, if its possible.

I knew I’m a goner for you on the 15th of July of 2012. You had me caught in the moment. Pray that the moment won’t lock me forever. I need the key..

So Shi Yin, Heidi, my dear frover…

Bye.