Graying Hairs.

I’m lost.

I have absolutely no idea where I am headed. I thought that I can accept things the way they are and move on. I should. And I thought I had already did.

So why is there is sinking feeling within me? I had been telling myself that the day will come. But no matter how much I anticipated it, yet when it is finally here I can’t accept things either way. I just can’t.

It hurts to see someone you love, love someone else. It hurts even more when you have to be happy for them, because you don’t want to trash the friendship. It hurts even even more when you are still worried even though you told yourself that you shouldn’t be.

And lost, I am.

The feeling is on, and off. It’s inconsistent. It screws me up when I least expect it. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so lost. Through the time I had over the leaders’ camp, the time I have to think and ask God about it, I thought I had completely put it down. Yet, where is there still this little bit gnawing inside at me?

I don’t know what I want. I’m so lost. I can feel myself descending a little deeper into madness every day. I don’t know when will I hit rock bottom, and I don’t know what it means for me.

I think I’m selfish. Everytime I thought I’m over you, I just have to prove myself wrong. I don’t know how long I can hold on to things in my life. But I don’t know what will happen should I ever let go of things.

You mean a lot of things to me. Things, that I don’t know how should I describe. I don’t know who you mean to me anymore. But I want to be your friend. I don’t want to mean anything else to you. I don’t deserve to be with you. I am not fit to. I can only give you bitterness and sorrow. I just want to stay in the background and watch over you through all times. Maybe you won’t always feel me watching over or protecting you. But please, do know that you will never walk alone. Whenever you need help, just ask.. I promise I will be right where you need  me to be. Promise. Because I’m not worthy enough to be anything else to you. Only a friend to you. I will do my best to protect and love you without interfering in your life. He deserves you more than I do..

Maybe some day life will work itself out. But in this moment, I am humbled by life. I am sad and sorrowful and emotional. Maybe in the next moment I will be happy, brimming with joy. But for now, I will enjoy my current moment that is filled with sadness.

 

With all my love,

Tona.

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