Trois.

Caught between a hard place and a rock.

What to do? 

You’re looking back into the past, and forward into the future. 

Look back and find yourself tunneling into the past. Look forward and see yourself catapulted into the coming.

Yet what comes, what doesn’t. What will, what won’t. What will be, what wouldn’t. 

I truly appreciate what you are to me, right now. But then again, the way I see it, it is pretty fragile. And who

am I to  say that I won’t just lose everything overnight, like that?

I’m scared, I have fears, I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that all of this will come to naught, and what mattered will no longer be.

I’m afraid to lose you.

I’ve come to understand that you’re different as well. I’ve come to know that you’re outstanding.

But..

That just makes it more scary for me. Feels like I really am caught between a rock and a hard place.
To be honest, haven’t been posting recently. The way things are, I’m afraid that things will change for the

worse, and I cannot imagine how things are like, should things change for the better.

And for you, I simply do not wish to intervene. I don’t want to say anything, make any more inferences,

interfere with anybody. I cannot see what will happen next, and sometimes, I simply do not wish to.

Too many things. Everything is in a mess. 

But I can’t seem to be able to sort things out, either. Maybe I don’t want to.

Maybe because the clarity of thought will let me see what I dread, know what I fear.

Maybe that’s why.

Because one day, someday, maybe everything will come crashing down. 

Then, what gives?

As if they did not matter.

At all.

Used to be.

This one infinite moment.

All that I used to be, all that I wanted to escape from. The person I didn’t want to be.

All of my past fears, deeds, mistakes. 

All the things that does not need to see the light. Things, that should stay hidden.

All the things that were.

In that one moment, I remembered.

Do the chains still bind me? 

Where.

Where did all the passion go?

What was once the title, the mantle, the weight, the joy.

Yet, it all went down the drain overnight. It all disappeared as if they didn’t exist.

As if they didn’t count. As if they..

What would you count as precious to you? What are the things that you could never bring yourself to lose? Things that can never be replaced?

Yet. Some of those things, I’ve gone and lost them. Things that are priceless.

Things, that could make or break a person.

Sometimes, it could do both.

If your treasures are on earth, then you have already gone wrong, somewhere.

Yet, can you ever expect yourself to never make a mistake? Do you see yourself as someone perfect, invulnerable, invincible?

We all fail, somewhere along the line. We’ll realise that we can’t keep it all to ourselves.

And when that happens, where do you draw your grace, your strength from?

Where do you go, after being stranded?

Tu vas où?

Something old.

Today is the 15th of May.

15th.

Am I a skeptical person? Seems like I am.

I always had problems with believing and seeing things.

I find myself believing in the wrong things, and wrong people, every now and then.

If I could cut a vein and bleed out that locket just to see her smile, I would.

Yet, is it ever wrong to trust in others?

So many things went wrong. And what’s left?

And to what end?

Deux

It’s too much.

The knowledge itself is driving me crazy.

How can I know something like this, yet still be behaving normally?

I can’t. And worse, I’m sworn to secrecy. No one can know that I know.

Seriously, it’s driving me crazy. I cannot speak of it, and I must act like I do not know anything. Though me typing this already defied the aforementioned statement.

I’m not even talking about a single matter, but two.

Two things that I have stumbled upon by guessing.

Not sure how to handle. Going crazy soon.

From within the mirrors.

When you fall deeper and deeper, there will come a time when you’ll hit the moment.

And from that moment on, everything is torturing, nothing makes sense, and anything can bring you down. You just wish that you didn’t discover that moment. Because in that moment, agony felt everlasting.

It.. doesn’t even make sense, though seemingly logical still.

Can I say that I didn’t see this coming? No.

No, I can’t. I have already foreseen this. Yet, I feel.. odd.

I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve yet to decide whether is it bad for us, or good. The conclusion eludes me.

Oh, yes. It matters a lot, to determine the nature of this scenario. Its very sticky, yet unique.

Yet, its a startling piece. Didn’t expect it to fit, but it did. It revealed some of the picture to me. A better grasp at what it appears to be.
It just.. felt to be an ethical gray area. Oh, what should I do, say, and think? I’m not allowed to have a motive of my own. Just doesn’t work that way.

I admit, I’m not able to tell what’s going to happen next. No clue, no hint, not the slightest.

Should I intervene, even?

And.. the door closes. You’re not invited, otherwise you would have already crossed the threshold. Yet, you worry. Worry for what is, what is not. What may be, and what may not. And the only thing that you can do at this point, is to worry.

It’s at the back of my mind.

Always.

Pair.

No one does things by himself, on their own.

Think of it like how management exist. No one achieve great things on their own. It’s just.. reality in the way.

Days like this, I just wanna be thankful for this one person who had been with me since the start of this year, in almost every single aspect of my life.

This person, who provided me with help when I needed it, guidance when I sought for it, advice when I desired it.

So far, it’s really an amazing journey with you. I really appreciate it, when you tolerate all my nonsense whenever we are together, laugh at my jokes even though they are lame and not funny at all.

I’m really grateful, you know. I can’t imagine myself doing all of this alone.

Being someone a few years younger than you, I’m kinda glad, that you can give me advice that  no one else can give.

Unique.

But still, the nature, the rule of life is that nothing last forever. One year, two years, five years. They all go by like smoke on the water. 

Guess all I can do right now is to just cherish what’s here. So.

Merci.