Endearment.

I started to notice more and more.

I started to notice small things that you do.

The small details about you.

The little furrow in your brow when you’re deep in thought.

The gasp, not sure to laugh or cry, whenever I said or did something stupid, just to make you laugh.

The way your eyes trail off into the distance when you talk about your own feelings.

All the little things about you that I slowly came to notice, love and remember.

And I noticed.. something.

Maybe subconsciously you started doing it. But it feel good.

I like the fact that we are closer now. That I got you back.

I don’t wanna let go, either. I hope I don’t have to.

Advertisements

Acts 14: What Does Our Faith Cost Us?

Shannon Blosser

Can I be honest? I cannot think of much that I have given up in my walk with Christ. Even though I have a lot of school debt I live a mostly comfortable life and can afford many of the things that I would like to have. My lifestyle and beliefs as a Christian are not directly challenged by others. I can worship freely without fear that someone would arrest me for preaching or leading a community in worship.

This is not the case in many parts of the world. In some places, the church experiences some form of direct persecution on a daily basis. I don’t think it should be a complete shock that in the places where the church faces direct persecution it is growing and strong.

Our passage from Acts 14 speaks to this. Paul is continuing his preaching mission to the Gentiles and faces some stiff…

View original post 205 more words

Do..

Do you love me?

No.

In my own crazy little way, I’m kinda happy. That for the first time, there’s no longer a part of me clinging to the hope. No longer a part of me just waiting to see if i hit the lottery. And that means for the first time in years, the world is full of possibilities.

It’s not something you give a glance to when you’re free. It demands your entire attention, your wholeheartedness. Your devotion. And the lack thereof is less than desirable.

Now? Now, finally, in years, you’re having second thoughts. You say you don’t want this to happen. But you did not even try to make me stay.

What were you thinking?

Rather, what was I thinking?

You never knew, but the past is always there to haunt us. Not you, not me but us. If I was willing to put it to rest, why can’t you?

Why are you, or rather, were you so adamant about it, about her?

Words fail me. The way you did me.

The thought is supposedly there, but the actions are lacking.

But the saddest thing, was that you just stood watching.

Even when it was crumbling, even when I was struggling.

And you did nothing.

Nothing to save it.

Nothing to rectify.

Nothing but just watched.

But then, I am sorry. Sorry that now you’re just watching from the sidelines.

I am sorry. Are you?

Detour.

Days like this are impossible to survive. It just takes so much out of you, you’d wonder what else is left. What other surprises awaits you.

You’re just.. caught up by everything happening around you.

And for someone who had a nostalgic itch, you’re already doing comparatively well.

Or you think so.

Hardly a need for reminders of how hard you’ve tried and how hard you fell.

Everyone’s been there, done that.

But you held everything so dear, only to have it stolen away from you, without hesitation.

You’re just being plain tired there.

There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world you loved
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand unshakeable.

Daniel.

God is my judge.

Well, that is if you speak Hebrew anyway.

So, we’re going to start on a Bible study on Daniel, and golly, am I excited! Of course, I hope more of my members will decide to join in as well, it’s good, isn’t it?

Frankly speaking, I need to spend more time reading the Old Testaments. New Testament is important, but Old Testament is important as well.

But I guess some people feel distracted reading the Old Testaments. It might be because of the fact that the Old Testaments will talk about ideas that are.. harder to understand.

Such as Jonah being in the belly of a fish.

Can you imagine that? Stay in the belly of a fish! I most certainly can’t!

So, I do pray that this is the good start to a regular, consistent and habitual Bible study!

 

Continuation.

It’s been a long.. 2 weeks? 3? I don’t know, it felt like forever to me. But I know it’s different for you.

You’re on the other end of the stick.

But I am rather happy, still.

Happy that the waiting is over.

Happy that the days are coming back.

Happy that all will be well again.

Well, for the next few months before everything goes into major panic mode, that is.

Still, I will need to swallow down certain nagging I have within, to enjoy what is left. It’s been a long wait, and I honestly do not want to screw the day up.

It’s either I’m right, or I’m horrendously wrong. But I don’t have the leeway of sitting in between the fence. Fence sitting is my past time, but it’s not my hobby.

Well, I have many things to look forward to. I’ve got many.. death wishes. But it’ll take a lot to grant them, anyway. Still, hopefully things will take a turn for the better, and I am very hopeful about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m trying to put you all the way at the back of my mind, as back as possible. I seriously hate it when my mind just wanders to you, thinks about how you’re doing and if you’re happy with him or not. I hate that. 

I hate not knowing that having me or the lack thereof makes any difference in your life or not. I just wonder if I made any difference at all if the past 5 years. If I did leave any impact, is it a good impact or a bad one. And this thought simply messes with my head so much, I don’t even know what to make out of it. 

And it’s not working. You still wander into my mind every now and then. And every now and then, my mind wanders to you.

I hate this so much. Why is it that things have become like this? 

They say that we only know what we have only when we lose it. It holds too much truth for me, because I truly have no idea how much agony you were sparing me. I hate myself for it, even. Not that I cannot live without you, I can. But it makes life a little less meaningful, a little harder to go by and a lot less reason for me to look forward to the next day. 

Any day might just be the last straw for me.

But what can I say, 

besides not today?

Beneath.

Taking things at face value.

I really feel very nostalgic nowadays, always thinking back into the past, a few years ago. So many things have changed in the 2 years.

In the 2 years..

I lost my best friend.

I started tertiary education.

I decided to be a cell leader and I got to know Emily.

I got more involved in ministries.

I starting to accept and tried thinking from different perspectives.

I started this WordPress because of my first point.

I think many things can happen and change within 2 years. It adds more depth into a person’s story.

But while we are writing our own story, do we stop to look at the story of others? And what is beneath those physical appearances?

Some days I wish you were somewhere else, that it might be easier for me to handle and accept. But, no. And on certain days, the selfish voice inside me wished that you don’t exist or that you’re dead. Because I would have truly give up on the notion. It is a contagion, eating away at me from the inside. And it’s impossible to run away from yourself.

Some days, I wish you were still beside me. If not here, then where? I miss you so bad.