It’s been a long.. 2 weeks? 3? I don’t know, it felt like forever to me. But I know it’s different for you.
You’re on the other end of the stick.
But I am rather happy, still.
Happy that the waiting is over.
Happy that the days are coming back.
Happy that all will be well again.
Well, for the next few months before everything goes into major panic mode, that is.
Still, I will need to swallow down certain nagging I have within, to enjoy what is left. It’s been a long wait, and I honestly do not want to screw the day up.
It’s either I’m right, or I’m horrendously wrong. But I don’t have the leeway of sitting in between the fence. Fence sitting is my past time, but it’s not my hobby.
Well, I have many things to look forward to. I’ve got many.. death wishes. But it’ll take a lot to grant them, anyway. Still, hopefully things will take a turn for the better, and I am very hopeful about it.
I’m trying to put you all the way at the back of my mind, as back as possible. I seriously hate it when my mind just wanders to you, thinks about how you’re doing and if you’re happy with him or not. I hate that.
I hate not knowing that having me or the lack thereof makes any difference in your life or not. I just wonder if I made any difference at all if the past 5 years. If I did leave any impact, is it a good impact or a bad one. And this thought simply messes with my head so much, I don’t even know what to make out of it.
And it’s not working. You still wander into my mind every now and then. And every now and then, my mind wanders to you.
I hate this so much. Why is it that things have become like this?
They say that we only know what we have only when we lose it. It holds too much truth for me, because I truly have no idea how much agony you were sparing me. I hate myself for it, even. Not that I cannot live without you, I can. But it makes life a little less meaningful, a little harder to go by and a lot less reason for me to look forward to the next day.
Any day might just be the last straw for me.
But what can I say,
besides not today?