I am nervous, excited, jubilant.
But I am also mortified, flabbergasted and devastated.
How? What to do? Who to ask for help? Why? When do I start?
I’m really running out of ideas for projects. And it’s frustrating.
Where have all my ideas gone to? Why is it that when you seek creativity, creativity eludes you?
I am perplexed and confused.
But I still can’t hide the joy that is growing within me. The end of each day may meet me with a light note, but it does little to help soothe.
I can’t deny that I’m excited to see you again. But at what cost?
At what risks?
I don’t know. I’m majorly tantalized.
It’s like knowing what you want, but you having no idea how to get there.
Does this not frustrate you?
When you are allowed one, just one, shot. That one opportunity to reach what you find as joy, as contentment or even as paradise.
But how sure are you? That when you make ends meet, to what end is justified?
Our day draws near. I must make preparations.
Is it supposed to be a sign?
A sign that it is not meant to be?
I thought that the plan was foolproof, it could not fail. It never could.
Until only recently, I remembered something.
And that little something made all the planning forfeit.
Mayhaps I tried too hard. But perhaps it’s an ominous sign.
What to do now? Who could ever predict that such a small, wild spanner could cause such a big disarray?
I did not expect it. Now, I’m just..
Well.. I don’t know. Inexplicably, I can’t help but feel my faith to be affected in the slightest.
After all these times, I’m still hindered by these invisible obstacles.
What can I say? I’m not one to argue.
Probably never had the right to.
But that’s alright.
It always will be.
You said you had a sore throat. And I said, don’t have any fried or heaty food.
Then someone gave you a cookie. I said, no, cannot have it.
You took a picture and sent it to me. I said, no, don’t touch it.
You took a bite, took a picture and sent it to me. And you said, oops.
It may not have occurred to you, but that moment really, really made me laugh.
I realised that we had quite a few of those silly moments. But it’s a pity.
I have no idea where you disappeared to, without a trace. And a sad one too.
Truth be told, I have no romantic feelings for you. But I genuinely miss the nonsense and silly jokes we had. Before you upped and disappeared.
Still, to each his own. Or, her own.
Thank you, random friend.
It feels like..
Everyday, I’m always counting down to something. Waiting for a day to happen.
What happens when I stopped waiting?
What happens when a day come where I just.. don’t wait?
I think that’s hardly easy to imagine.
A student waits to graduate, a worker waits for his pay, a parent waits to see their child grow.
But, what am I waiting for? I seem to have lost the notion somewhere along the line.
Should I be excited that the day draws closer?
But I am not afraid to confess. I have no idea how to go about doing this.
For once, I am completely clueless.
A project last year, and another one again. But it’s more.. elusive.
No clue, no idea.
‘After all this time?’
Truth be told, I have no idea how I’m going to react, yet.
Doing anything seems detrimental and hypocritical of me. But not doing anything makes me feel.. uncomfortable.
Is this what we wanted? Does a mere number of 365 possess such a power to bring about such big changes?
Sometimes, I think to myself that you’re my soulmate. It might not be that we’re romantically involved. But the other part of me. Someone who knows you, who understands you. Someone who knows what you’re feeling, what you’re going through, by just looking at the simplest of words, the slightest glance of emotions.
Was I ever wrong to think as such? I hope not.
To say I’m obstinate and stubborn is not an exaggerated.
Years. Blood. Sweat. Tears.
Unnumbered heart breaks. All those moments, all those hours.
Burn away. Everything that breaks Your heart, everything that is not love. Purify my every thought. Take away. Everything that comes between us, everything that is untrue.
…naught but vicious cycles.