Reminders

I am blessed.

I’m just trying to make myself look over the amount of pain and to just look at the correct things.

I’ve been blessed thousandfold by this group of people and especially this one young woman. This one person who probably knows me in ways few others do.

And I’m extremely grateful for having this one person in my life. This one person I can depend on when it really matters.

It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Terrible pain from recent developments and undeniable gratitude and appreciation from people who are here for me.

It’s not your fault either. If this is your healing process, if this is how you recover, even if you’ll inevitably make it harder for me, even if it delays my healing process, by all means. I know I’ll survive this anyway, so as I would say, it’s worth it.

Well, I learnt that writing is my therapy. Tweets, posts, random disturbing of others on twitter or just textual diarrhea, it’s therapeutic for me.

So from now on, I promise you, I promise God, I promise everyone, I promise myself to always look on the brighter side of things.

Waiting for the one with my yellow umbrella, the one who will give me their olives, the one who I’ll stay past 2am for. My own Scherbatsky, McConnell. My own forever.

I suppose everything is a learning process and as the days go by, there’s nothing I can do other than to take things in my stride.

I know myself a little better with each day. And with each understanding, it gets easier to be at peace with things.

Tired.

If I can sum up, the one word would be tired.

I am so tired of everything.

Tired of internship everyday. Tired of thinking of how to survive the next few months. Tired of thinking of how to survive the next two years.

Tired, tired, tired.

My one and only sacred place of refuge is.. different now.

Where are you in all this?

31 Reasons why things go bad.

Things happen for a reason. And as I wait for my own personal thunderstorm to pass, these are some reasons why stuff happens for the worse.

  1. God got a better plan in store.
  2. Humans aren’t perfect.
  3. We want different things in life.
  4. Different priorities in life.
  5. Everybody perceives things differently.
  6. Not enough time.
  7. Difference in commitment levels.
  8. The Fire Nation attacked.
  9. Different phases in life.
  10. Peer pressure.
  11. Confusion.
  12. You must construct additional pylons.
  13. We do not see eye to eye.
  14. Lack of support.
  15. Communication breakdowns.
  16. Your heart is somewhere else.
  17. Tired.
  18. Not enough mana.
  19. No connection.
  20. Lack of effort.
  21. Connection timed out.
  22. Expiration dates.
  23. After 2am.
  24. Out of time.
  25. Not enough faith.
  26. Reluctance.
  27. No trust.
  28. Stuck in the past.
  29. Feelings change.
  30. Crazy eyes.
  31. Just because.

The Negative Week of Eleven.

Today, I am harsh.

I’ve spoken words I never said before and I dealt poison I never knew I had.

And to someone that means a lot to me. Well, used to, maybe.

‘You spit on our memories.’

I am ashamed of myself. For being unable to control my ownself, unable to hold myself back. Maybe I am dreaming, but I feel your pain.

I just wished that things weren’t like this.

Why did things started out so rosy ended up like this?

This is an absolute mess, and all the more I hated myself for it.

But I rather do things that made you hate me, because it will make things easier for you.

But for me, I know that more agony is in store for me. This deepseated agonizing searing pain within.

And I can’t get it out by myself. I’m a lost little kid, knowing not where to go or to do.

I want to apologise to you a thousand times then a thousand more, if it can do anything to let the ruins come to life.

Oh, where do we begin, the rubble or our sins?

You were my voice of reason, the person who kept me in check and held me from the precipice. Now, I don’t know. Maybe you can have the front seat view as I fall.

So watch me fall. I might fly.