Fear.

Sometimes, I really wonder why I even try or why I’d even bother in the first place.

Maybe this is a sign that I should just give up completely and not think about it at all in the first place.

So many things gnawing at me from the inside yet I find myself having no one to confide them to. Is this how things have become?

Supposedly, each year ought to be better than the other. But as I look backwards, I realized that I am no different than I used to be 5 years ago, if not worse.

1 person set me on a journey to seek, another made me draw closer. Why is it that the last person should set me flailing away?

This does not make any sense, no matter the angle I look at it from.

Is it my fault? Have I done something wrong? Is this some form of punishment for all the wrongdoings I’ve done combined together?

I really, really, really am afraid. I realized that my darkest fear isn’t something convoluted or twisted or perverse.

No.

What absolutely terrifies me is that this goes on forever, and ever and ever. That all these last forever. What if there will never ever be a time under the heavens for me? What if when all things are made beautiful, I am overlooked?

What if after all the trials and tribulations, it does not get better?

I really am afraid. All these uncertainty and just.. no one there to reciprocate my efforts.

Fills me with a certain dread, despair and darkness everything I think about this.

But what can I do, besides to wait it through?

Oh Lord, help me..

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