I hear thunder in the distance
And it hits me in an instance

Yeah, I hear thunder in the distance
And the storm is in our system

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Standing here in Your presence
In a grace so relentless
I am won by perfect love
Wrapped within the arms of Heaven
In a peace that lasts forever
Sinking deep in mercy’s sea

I’m wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into
Your love, oh, Your love

When I’m lost You pursue me
Lift my head to see Your glory
Lord of all, so beautiful
Here in You I find shelter
Captivated by the splendor
Of Your face, my secret place

I’m wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into
Your love, oh, Your love

Your love so deep is washing over me
Your face is all I seek, You are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord, hear my only cry, to know You all my life

I’m wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is Yours
All fear removed, I breathe You in, I lean into
Your love, oh, Your love

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they’re wrong wait and see.

Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that wishes would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star?

Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it’s done so far.
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?

Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it’s probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I’ve heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it.
It’s something that I’m supposed to be.

Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

Breathe.

But love doesn’t make sense. You can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we’re lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.

Life isn’t too bad if you don’t look too closely at it I suppose. The place here is really something, in no means a holiday, but it’s relatively enjoyable I suppose. One of the NJs here is really.. cute? I don’t know her except for her name and the fact that she’s an officer, hah. But I feel like I am dying a little inside every time she seem to smile at me even though she have no reason to remember or know me except for the few times we bumped into each other in the lifts and what not. A little EC, pretty harmless I suppose?

Which reminds me. There’s a little talk about what is to come and I really think that I am ready to commit again, hopefully within the same field as I did previously. But, I guess I am a little worried. Given what our previous.. disagreement was about, I am a little afraid what this means for us and if we will ever get over it or not? If I am being completely honest with myself, I wonder if there is any ‘we’ left out of the circumstances. It’s not like I don’t feel anything for you. It’s just.. where do I stand?

Welp, looking too closely into things again. I have lesser and lesser time for my current project but I already am having ideas to do another one together with this concurrently, even though I suspect this existing one probably will take donkey years and will never have an end. More things to distract myself, I guess. Lord knows I could use a little distraction to ease the waiting.

Not again.

I cannot think of any HIMYM quotes or verses or song lyrics or simply any words that can accurately describe what I am feeling now.

I am lost. Again. For the umpteenth time these few weeks.

Do I know why this is happening to me? Yeah, sure, kinda.

Can I do anything about it? Technically, yes. Effectively? No, I would hate myself, even if it does mean that it is causing me blistering pain and agony in the moment.

Yet, I cannot tell myself or anyone why I am holding on. I feel pain and sadness in every breath that I take as long as the matter is not resolved and the issue is at hand. Maybe I am giving myself false hope, not being willing or strong enough to just.. shatter it.

I have no idea who I should consult about this and it burns within me and gnaws at me.

I am lost beyond reason.

So please. If you have any idea what I can do about my current predicament, I beg of you, help me.

There is something I have to tell you.

Then don’t! If there is one thing I have learnt as a therapist, it’s that just because something needs to be told, doesn’t always mean that it needs to be heard.

I did something bad.

We’ve all done bad things, it doesn’t mean we are bad people.