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The Cool Christians Club

Have you ever noticed that when we were younger we wished our time away? “I cannot wait until I turn 12 years old!” “When I get 13 years old I will be a teenager!””When I turn 16 years old I am going to get me a job and drive a Mercedes.” Little did we know that we were going to be driving our mom’s old Yugo. Whatever happened to the Yugo? (If you are from Generation Y then you will not get this joke). 🙂 “When I turn 18 years old I am going to move out and get my own place!”(That translates into furnished basement in mom’s house). “When I turn 21 years old then I will not have to pretend that I am 21 years old, my ID will be real.” Do not act as if you have not at least tried it once! Even the coolest of…

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Revitalization's Weblog

Take a moment, and be amazed by something.

Stop, be present, and realize where you are right now.

Pause, and reflect upon how fascinating it is that millions upon millions of instances led up to who you are at. this. moment.

Ponder about how each and every day, the people you pass by, the people you make eye contact with, the people you speak to, you laugh with, you cry with, you negotiate with, you get angry with, you make love with, you grow old with… those people, ALL those people have a story, have an immense history, have a childhood, have a past. And their stories are etched within the wrinkles on their faces, imbedded in their voices, stitched in their clothing… it’s who they are. Their stories make them who they are.

Breathe, breathe in this life, the wonder that surrounds you, breathe in the fact that…

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Blurring.

I have no idea how to explain what’ s happening to me.

There are days whereby you just don’t want to do anything, only wanting to lie at home in bed and just waste the day away. And today is probably one of those days.

And things are happening in a pace, I can’t seem to be able to comprehend. People are changing too fast for me to even recognise them.

I know that somebody is watching this space, and I think it is who I think it is. And it kinds of making me think twice about what I’m posting or typing. Some things are more sensitive, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to post it here. Well, not that kind of stuff, but rather, people-sensitive.

To be honest, I feel cooped up nowadays, restrained by some invisible girdle. I want to break free of everything. I want to stop caring about everything. Yet I can’t. Responsibilities. And some worrying. Nagging emotion.

Oh well, that’s all for now. Will press more later, something is getting on my nerves.

 

Lots of love,

God bless,

Tona.

Big Day

29 November, 2012. I waited months for this day to come. And now that it did, I’m relieved.

I made a video for Shi Yin’s, or Heidi if you would prefer, 18th birthday. This is the Big Day.

I spent almost half a year preparing and making the video. Was it worth it?

Indeed it was. My purpose was simply. Just do something for her birthday.

And honestly, I have no idea what to expect out of this.

But the video is done and she’s seen it. I’ve thrown my ace of spades and it wasn’t in vain. I won something precious. The prize of friendship. I would like to think that the hand had strengthen the bond even more than ever.

And that’s the left-handed issue. Its resolved now. Whereas for the right-hand, I think it won’t be that easy. It will take a lot on my part. Yet like what I expressed, somewhere else, if the person do not want to change things, I won’t force changes. All I can say offhandedly now is to simply take it step by step. Baby steps.

Its easier to make friends with a new stranger, than to make friends with an old stranger.

Reflective surface.

Again, the left-handed and right-handed issue is giving me quite the worry.

On the left hand, the day is coming soon. Only a while more left. At that time, I’ll just have to play my ace of spades and hope for the best. Whether it is enough to win anything though, remains to be seen. I’m playing against impossible odds with close to no hope of winning. Yet I’m already at the table, and there’s no point of folding my cards anymore. Now, I can only try and endure until the time to show hand, which mercifully is only a short while away, and pray that at the very least, we won’t lose this friendship.

On the right hand, I’m patiently waiting for the correct cards to be dealt. Someone once described me and you as king and queen in a deck of cards. Granted, the meaning is no longer as literal as before, but I’m pretty sure the analogy still stands. Therefore, I’m waiting for the cards to be dealt. When might it be though, I have no idea. I don’t know what to make of the circumstances that we’re in. Only recently that I seen you again, it brought out flashbacks and reminiscent feelings. I regret things. It should not have been. I hate how in the end, its the friendship that takes the brunt of the impact. I feel that the day, is not far away though. Maybe soon, the cards dealt will be favourable to win what was treasure, cherished and lost.

Its mesmerizing and enchanting that we never know what will happen next in our lives. I really don’t know what’s going to happen to the 3 of us. We’re connected in such a messy way, I don’t know how did all this even start in the first place.

But I’m ready to move on. I’m just trying to save our friendships.

Because mirrors break. But why do you need a perfect mirror for? Just take the biggest shard and it’ll suffice. Even if its remnants are in pieces, doesn’t mean it can’t be useful again.

“The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.” – Benjamin Mays

 

I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insights with a classroom of students. The class was nearly over, and as the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there. With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, “Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important.”

“Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give…

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Waiting waiting.

I noticed that I always have this tendency to end up waiting for others.  Whether is it waiting for them physically, or for their text replies or what.

And its no fun. Whether you’re talking about something important or not, its gratifying to know that for a few seconds, someone took some time to think of you and composed a message for you. Even if its just a one-word reply or an entire passage.

So why is it that I’m always here waiting for people? I’m sure we’ve all done a good load of waiting, and some of them figuratively put us on the edge. Did you enjoy it? I thought so.

And so here I am, waiting for a reply from someone who had no reason, no obligation to do so. And still, I have no idea why do I wait. Maybe I’m crazy in that sense.

Alright, more later on if i have time then. Chop chop.

Lots of love,

God bless,

Tona.

Two of a kind.

I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or not, nowadays. I’m not even sure what do I expect to come out of this venture. Ethically speaking, I’m pretty sure what I’m doing is in the gray area. But, I don’t know why am I doing it either.

What is it that I’m hoping for? For a chance to return things to what they once were before everything changed and dropped?

I’m really so confused by myself now. I’m have no idea what to do for the two of you.

On the left hand, the days are ticking away. Only a few days left. Yet, I’m still procrastinating inside. I keep telling myself to finish it later. Perhaps its because of the fact that after I finish this, I’m not going to do anything for you anymore. Maybe it’s because of the idea, perception or disbelief even, that really demotivate me from finishing it. And what I think I really need to do is to work on it, because the days left are few. And really, parts of it, I’m not really pleased with it. So, that’s that. And when it’s done, it’s really going to be the end of that. That’s that.

On the right hand, the days are long and many. Unknown even. I have no idea how long things will take to pan out between us. I don’t hope for anything, because I don’t. I just hope that, between you and me, our friendship can be the same as what it once was. And I’m not sure what it will take to achieve that, or how long even. But I really am sincere about this. Because the issue had been at the back of my head for the past few years or so. I really miss us. Trust me when I say that, because I do mean it, every single letter of the sentence with all that I have and am. I am hopeful about us. I really want, really look forward to that day. That day when things are done, wounds are healed and scars are gone. That’s that.

But it’s not easier to achieve both the light hand and the right hand issues. Sometimes, I feel like I’m letting down the lefthanded person just so that I can restore things with the righthanded person. It’s like trying to gain balance between both, yet failing miserably because it’s so near impossible to be perfect in all sense. Yet, I try even though I know that failure is indefinitely imminent, because for me, the point of trying is greater than the point of reaching where we want to be.

I don’t know who might mean more to me, the left hand or the right hand. I suppose I could say, certainly, that the two of them means the world to me. It certainly isn’t an understatement to say that  they are two of the most important persons to me in the world. If it ever came down to choosing which should I choose, I honestly don’t know.

I’m sorry I can’t be more specific or detailed about who they are. Eyes are watching and everything about this post is downright sensitive in all sense. I guess now, it’s not about putting things down, but rather putting things at where they rightfully belong.

I just hope that I don’t drop any of the two, or placing them somewhere they shouldn’t be placed, lest I forget about them and never see them, ever again.

 

Lots of love,

God bless,

Tona.

Fisherman’s friend.

The labourers are few but the harvest is plenty.

Only now do I truly understand what this line means.

And its times like this, I wonder, why am I not working harder in the fields?

As fishers of man, have we been setting the bait properly? Even if we have the best bait, equipped with the best rod, sitting in front of a plentiful lake, what difference does it make if we do not cast out the line?

I suppose I could say that there exist many reasons as to why we are so hesitant. Sometimes, we believe that we have things are of a higher priority. Or that we are not daring enough to do so. Or sometimes, simply because we find excuses for ourselves.

So what’s the reason that’s holding your line back?

Matthew 4:19 NIV

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

Whistling in the air.

You know that feeling?

The feeling that you have when you know that a feeling is mutual between you and someone else? And because of that knowledge, it gives you a weird feeling? Like the feeling of recklessness? The wanting to do something crazy and stupid? Yeah, I’m feeling that right now. Yeah, it’s about the revelation.

I don’t know. I think I will run away with the knowledge. I don’t know how to put this, it’s like the knowing of this incident will make me crazy and do thing tremendously stupid.

The unknown feeling that I’m feeling yesterday when I heard it. I think now I know what is it that I’m actually feeling. It’s joy. Pure golden joy. And now that the pleasant truth ( for once ) has been thrust into my face, I’m not sure what do I want to do with it. I guess you could say it’s like this.

You’re wanting something so bad, that you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, just thinking about that issue all day long. It’s messing with your brain and you don’t know what you want to do with your life, except just to think about that issue. And yet, finally when the truth is revealed, when the truth is what you hoped it to be, your life comes to a meaningless halt. You don’t know what to do. You have no idea where to go next, except to grope around in the darkness, hoping to find some kind of direction or light. It’s like, every single moment in your life, you had been propelled, compelled, wanting to reach this place. And yet, the moment when you reach it, you lost meaning. Like an arrow, shot with determination towards the target for the duration of it’s flight. And when it lodges the head into the target, it’s stopped.

And look, I totally have no idea what to do with that knowledge. Seems like I could no longer do what I thought that I’m good at.

And now I know, the next time I see you, I’m not sure if I’m able to control myself. I think I’ll go crazy. Probably, the next time I see you, maybe I’ll finally do what is required of me. To do what I’ve been wanting to do since years ago. Maybe it’s finally time to move on to somewhere brighter.

I kind of look forward to that.

 

Lots of love,

God bless,

Tona.