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Well, that didn’t take too long to bring it collapsing down.

I.. need time for myself. So much so that its starting to make me feel like I’m not myself.

Yet, I still crave for your attention. Even if its just one look, one glance, one text. But how does that happen when you don’t even know what I have for you. 

It’s ridiculously tough, ridiculously insane and ridiculously impossible.

The mere thought of it pushes me a little closer to the edge.

I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling so much, I could do any single thing just to dispel this feeling.

This negativity just seeps into me like nothing else, rotting my thoughts away, corroding the feelings, melting the emotions.

Caustic it is, I have no idea what the cause exactly is.

Just some random affliction. Bound.

Quagmire.

It only opens to you.

When the snow begins to fly, above the smoky smoky sky, you came along like a snowflake, and brightened up my day.

There is just one thing I need, on this snowy winter day, call me a fool to love you but I want nothing but you.

I didn’t mean to find out who the person was. Either I’m lucky or I’m just too observant. And, I really did not expect this, to be honest. It came with no hint, no clue, no signs. It caught me off guard. It doesn’t even make sense when I think of it now.

Then again, life doesn’t really make sense sometimes.

Still, I appreciate all that we have right now, no matter how long it’ll last.

This is surely not what you thought it would be.

Still, if given a choice, I’d rather have something slightly lesser complicated. At least it won’t give our relationship such a twist. It’s not even funny.

I’m starting to see more and more of you with each passing day. Not knowing if and when I should act upon this notion of mine, I can only simply wait for the moment.

Seems pretty farfetched. Hmph.

Because I filled with emotions.

From the depths.

Think of it as a dive. 

You’re going deeper and deeper. Lower, and lower. You know more, see more, feel more.

I have no idea what I’m doing, or what to do next. But I’m letting you in more and more. The door opens more gradually with each passing day. Maybe a day will come whereby you decided to cross the threshold.

Or maybe you would wound up closing it shut entirely. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m taking more and more risks with each passing day. A gamble, a flimflam, a bamboozle.

Not that I like what I’m doing with all of this. But without it, I don’t have much to go on with.

Trust is like a bridge. Two ways, dependent.

Please don’t close the door.

In the depths, the pressure presses in on your skull. A little wrong move and you’ll find yourself crushed.

Crushed hopes.

No one appreciates that.

Peanut butter goes well with jam.

Dear John

Love life...

Oooops, sorry. This is not the movie.

Dear John,

I hate you. You made me feel like nothing when we broke up. Thank you for those nights of crying and feeling bad. I remember you, then I miss you. Then I miss the things we did together. I hate you because you make me miss you so bad. Thanks for leading me on. Thanks for lying to me. Thank you for making me believe that we’d last forever and that you loved me more than anything….”

In one of our class activities, the grade 9 students (age 13-15) were asked to write a letter to a significant person in their lives should they die that day. When they submitted the letters, mostly were addressed to their parents, siblings but this one letter captured my attention. It is addressed to John, a particular person who broke the heart of the young…

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That little snag.

Trust works like a bridge. Two way, dependent on both sides. 

I find it refreshing that life works in a way no one can comprehend. We can say one thing, and something happens along to way to make us feel another.

 

I feel frustrated right now, irregardless of what I said earlier in the day. I feel cooped up.

Trapped.

Immobilised.

Snared.

 

Either it’s the listlessness, or the helplessness that is doing all those to me. It’s driving me crazy.

When you’ve been kept away for a long time, the first sign of sunlight hits you. It leaves you breathless, helpless. It leaves you craving for more.

I’m just kinda lost. And it’s terrible. No one likes getting lost.

A glimmer. That’s barely healthy. It keeps you going after it blindly without a thought to anything else in the world. 

 

For all that it’s worth, I’m probably barking up the wrong tree. Hmph.

Looking forward.

Hey hey hello!

Haven’t been around here for sometime I guess! I daresay I feel a lot better nowadays. I think I’m still running on camp mode from week 0 orientation!

I am really glad for us. I don’t know what’s the situation like exactly, but I am hopeful because I noticed that there’s not so much awkwardness between us anymore. Hopefully, sooner or later, things will go back to the way that they used to be before that time. I’m looking forward to it!

To be honest, I’m happy nowadays. Not happy for a while, but just happy everyday for no reason. Maybe it’s because of this one person who’s giving me little bits of happiness everyday. Maybe it’s the big group of crazy friends that just make my day everyday. Still.

There’s business to be taken care of.

For the lack of punctuality.

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality. – John Lennon.

Aren’t we all dreamers in our own right? We all dream our own dreams. Yet how many become real?

I wonder how have you been. I’ve been meaning to talk to you for very long. Two years late, as of fact. Its been forever.

Ironic, isn’t it? We consider our command of English to be of importance, and we take pride in honing it. Yet when it comes to expressing what we think, we always fall short.

Way short.

I miss you.

More than words could express.

Nothing I can say does justice.

Because the only justice due, is that of yours.

Yet, yet, yet..

Back to reality.

Discern.

I’m on my way.

On my way to somewhere, that could possibly change me forever.

But then again..

Which experience never changes you?

I lack someone different. Someone who stands out from the crowd.

Do you? Are you the one who is solitary amidst people?

All the time I wonder what it’ll take to recover from such a blow, such a fall.

I guess failure comes to those who take a blow they can never recover from. So should we perceive this as failure? The shadow of something we try so hard to shrug off, yet for all that we have, it’ll all come to naught?

Is what you seek, the same as I sought?

Maybe what we lack, we only find in each other.

Over there.

When you’re striving to expand your horizons, don’t forget to check on your being.

Is change always better?

I hearsay that you’re different now. I mean, we all are. But, you’re.. changed.

I know that I cannot simply expect you to stay the same. But that being said, I do not know what to expect from you, either way.

I don’t want to deny the fact that I missed you. But with regards to what I divulged today, I guess the going gets tough for us both.

If a tree falls in a forest without anyone to hear it, does it make a sound?

Sometimes, I don’t like how.. ‘integrated’ all of this is. It calls for awkward and messy situations. And, I have no idea how to handle it..

The universe does not like its porridge and peas mixed together.

Neither do I.

Protected: In the wake of destruction.

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